[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe