Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.