Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

I put the h in mysterious.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.