Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.