[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
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“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
*looks at you in batman voice*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me buying fruit and veg
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels