Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help