Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Any refunds available?…
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.