Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?