Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
You Might Also Like
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Always leave them wanting their money back.