Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
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Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.