Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

In Canada they just call them geese

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes