Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no