Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.