Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
When news reporters do sports stories
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]