Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
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I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade