Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
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Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.