Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
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Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.