Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
No, I don’t think I will.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Happy birthday to all the women