Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
checking out some reviews of my local library
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.