Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Voodoo map
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
calling in to work dehydrated
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
pictures of spider-man
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.