Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

Ok but actually

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.