Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore