“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
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wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Life is a suicide mission.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Probably my best painting.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent