“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting