Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century