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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️