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@UnFitz

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

@WigCannon

your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig

@Darlainky

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

@Scimommy

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

@UnfilteredMama

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@pilau

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️