NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
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Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
LOL
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Holy crap this is wonderful
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”