NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
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I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.