Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA