Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
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[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.