Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
marvel comics have peaked
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
selfie game
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.