Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

5 ways to appear taller

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life