Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague