Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Breaking news:
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice