Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!