Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
You Might Also Like
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake