Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
You Might Also Like
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
This came to me in a dream.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.