Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.