Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving