Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.