Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
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Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
