Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

Hot Panini is in big trouble

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.