[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
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Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
me opening up to someone
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above