Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.