*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”