“Ninja please” -Japanese people
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“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.