Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.