Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes