Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you