Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
![]()
You Might Also Like
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
(more comics:
![]()
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.