Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
You Might Also Like
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Wasps: bees, but not helping
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
This is my pinned tweet
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.