Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
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*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Baller is short for ballerina
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)