Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.