Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

Monica just destroyed the internet

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

Effort made

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.