[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
You Might Also Like
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
😂😂😂
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk