Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

😉😝

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase