Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

only 11 steps left

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”