Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though