Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave