Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”