*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up
Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.
DOC: good news is you’ll make it
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*
How do I like my eggs? Unfertilized, thanks.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!