@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

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@EdgarAllanLo

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

@Sassafrantz

[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up

@PersianCeltic

Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.

@notabeanie

DOC: good news is you’ll make it
ME: phew!
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*

@ddsmidt

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

@iinkedZombie

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!