Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

We’ve all been there…

In Canada they just call them geese

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.