Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.