Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
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My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*pokes sex life with a stick
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Ummm 😳
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun