Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Is this a threat?

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”