Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
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I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
so much to do
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Who needs an Air Fryer?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.