Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
The news in a nutshell.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
mood
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.