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Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.