no
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[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.