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[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.