No.
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It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder