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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
The best shot in the history of golf
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.