No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
You Might Also Like
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
normalize having existential bread
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.