No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.

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old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame


Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.


If you’ve watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.

You’ve pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.


“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”


‘LSD makes users lose weight’

That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.


Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.


The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.