old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.
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Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
If you’ve watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.
You’ve pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
‘LSD makes users lose weight’
That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.