The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Some people were born into their job.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave