luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
my favorite genre of twitter
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no