Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goat cheese is for herders.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”