Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

Cause of death: Zumba

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?

Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.